Confucius Saying Today

Confucius:
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

Confucius:
Women who wear low cut blouses will be looked down upon.

Confucius:
Make your life like a roll of toilet paper, long and useful.

Confucius:
If a clock gets hungry, it goes back four seconds

Confucius:
Acupuncture is a jab well done

Confucius:
Bakers trade recipes on a knead to know basis.

Confucius:
A man will treat a woman like a princess until she starts to act like one.

Confucius:
A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

Confucius:
It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius:
Anything is possible if you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Confucius:
A dull pencil is often better than a sharp mind.

Confucius:
Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner. If she stops sucking, replace the bag.

Confucius:
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 hearts and a diamond. A few years later you’ll want a club and a spade.

Confucius:
A Lion will not betray his wife…. but a Tiger Wood.

Confucius:
Women and rocks are very much alike. We skip the flat ones.

Confucius:
The trouble with square meals is they make you round.

Confucius:
Man who eats photograph of his Dad is soon spitting image of his father.

Confucius:
’tis better to sleep with old hen, than pullet.

Confucius:
The Army is like a blow job. The closer you get to discharge, the better it feels.

Confucius:
The wise speak when they have something to say. Fools speak when they have to say something.

Confucius:
Gay Austrailian man will leave his wife and return to Sydney.

Confucius:
If you worry about yesterday’s failures, todays successes will be few.

Confucius:
Women are like convertables. They’re both more fun with their top down.

Confucius:
Viagra is like Disneyland… a one hour wait for a 2-minute ride.

Confucius:
A Rubix cube is like a penis. The longer you play with it, the harder it gets.

Confucius:
The greatest fault is to be conscious of none.

Confucius:
He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot.

Confucius:
A clean tie will attract the soup of the day.

Confucius:
A Tattoo is permanent proof of temporary insanity.

Confucius:
A Magazine is a bunch of printed pages that tell you what’s coming in the next issue.

Confucius:
A Cannibal is person who likes to see other people stewed.

Confucius:
A Shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death.

Confucius:
Man with five dicks will have pants that fit like a glove.

Confucius:
It’s ok to let a fool kiss you, but don’t let a kiss fool you.

Confucius:
To reuse a condom, turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it

Confucius:
Masturbation is a solo played on a private organ.

Confucius:
Mother’s Day comes nine months after father’s day.

Confucius:
A kiss is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius:
It’s all right to sit on your pity pot every now and again. Just be sure to flush when you’re done.

Confucius:
Killing two birds with one stone often ends with hate mail from the humane society.

Confucius:
The best way to save face, is to keep the lower part of it shut.

Confucius:
To make a long story short, don’t tell it.

Confucius:
Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear or a fool from any direction.

Confucius:
A giraffe’s family reunion is called “necks of kin.”

Confucius:
A man is only as faithful as his options.

Confucius:
A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is two-tired.

Confucius:
Never argue with a fool…he may be doing the same thing.

Confucius:
The best way to keep your word is not to give it.

Confucius:
A man’s last will and testiment is a dead give away.

Confucius:
When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.

Confucius:
Bad singers break into song because they can’t find the key.

Confucius:
A woman can humiliate any man by simply saying “Hold my purse.”

Confucius:
An Egotist a person more interested in himself than in me.

Confucius:
When solving problems, dig at the roots instead of hacking at the leaves.

Confucius:
The best time to go to the dentist is before tooth hurty.

Confucius:
Artificial insemination is procreation without recreation.

Confucius:
The useless skin around a penis is called “a man”.

Confucius:
Pubic hair is just organic dental floss.

Confucius:
It is better to lose a lover than love a loser.

Confucius:
A single fact can ruin a good argument.

Confucius:
An arch criminal is one who robs shoe stores.

Confucius:
The best way for university student to turn their life completly around is to get 90 degrees.

Confucius:
The worst thing about oral sex is the view.

Confucius:
An old grave digger is called an Elderberry

Confucius:
A gay gentleman from the Deep South is called a homo-sex-y’all

Confucius:
A Greek tampon is called “Abzorba the Leak.”

Confucius:
Even a fish can escape being caught if it keeps its mouth shut.

Confucius:
Well done is better than well said.

Confucius:
Even a turtle only makes progress when it sticks its neck out.

Confucius:
New York manufacturer of gentlemen’s headwear is called “Manhatten”.

Confucius:
Homosexuals don’t play chess because they don’t want to sacrifice a Queen.

Confucius:
Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Confucius:
Those who get to big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Confucius:
The quietest place in the world is the complaint department at a parachute packing plant.

Confucius:
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

Confucius:
A good woman will do 70 chores around the house. Cooking and 69.

Confucius:
A vagina is like a very small hotel. One must leave his bag outside.

Confucius:
A platonic relationship develops after two good friends are tired of screwing each other.

Confucius:
A chicken is the result of a sitting hen, while a baby is the result of standing cock.

Confucius:
Man with one foot on ‘yesterday’ and one foot on ‘tomorrow’ will end up pissing on ‘today’.

Confucius:
Man with a broken condom is called a Daddy

Confucius:
When one man rub lotion on another man, it is called “Men-Gay”.

Confucius:
Man who mix Viagra and Ex-Lax, dosen’t know if he’s coming or going.

Confucius:
If a bulldog and a shitsu are mated, it would be called a “bullshit”.

Confucius:
Jamaican proctologist is called “Pokemon”.

Confucius:
Alcohol is the cause of some problems and the solution to others.

Confucius:
Flatulence is the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Confucius:
Man who mix Rogaine with Viagra will end up hard headed.

Confucius:
Prisoners complain behind bars, husbands complain in them.

Confucius:
The difference between a dog and a fox is about five drinks.

Confucius:
Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.

Confucius:
Vitamins are good for what ails you. Viagra is good for what fails you.

Confucius:
A friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked.

Confucius:
A diet is a selection of food that makes other people lose weight.

Confucius:
A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts.

Confucius:
A politician is one who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.

Confucius:
If woman meets a bachelor who thinks he’s God’s gift, she should exchange him.

Confucius:
A practical nurse is one who marries a wealthy, terminally ill patient.

Confucius:
A cigarette is a pinch of tobacco, wrapped in paper, fire at one end, fool at the other.

Confucius:
A smile is like tight underwear… it makes your cheeks go up.

Confucius:
A humorous question on an exam is called “Testicle”.

Confucius:
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.

Confucius:
To get an Irishman to climb on the roof, tell him that the drinks are on the house

Confucius:
Man with a lisp will walk with a Lymph.

Confucius:
Woman who come to bed wearing nothing but running shoes, wants to have marathon session.

Confucius:
At a nudist wedding, you don’t have to ask – you can see who the best man is.

Confucius:
A Church’s bills are always “Due unto others”

Confucius:
Egghead is what Mrs. Dumpty gives Humpty

Confucius:
A verbal outburst during the male orgasm is called “Sperm Wail”.

Confucius:
Prostitute who likes bondage is usually strapped for cash.

Confucius:
For every woman with a curve, there are several men with angles.

Confucius:
Never marry a woman with big hands. It will make your dick look smaller

Confucius:
The only thing divorce proves is whose mother was right in the first place.

Confucius:
A vigorous masturbation session is called “Hand to Gland Combat”.

Confucius:
An airplane girl is a blonde who has a black box

Confucius:
Gay dinosaur is called Mega-sor-ass.

Confucius:
A flying saucer will appear when a nudist spills his coffee

Confucius:
To get rid of unwanted pubic hair, one must spit.

Confucius:
A prostitute with a degree in psychology will blow your mind.

Confucius:
Always wear Stealth condoms…they’ll never see you coming.

Confucius:
A transvestite is a man who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.

Confucius:
Amish woman’s secret fantasy is two Mennonite.

Confucius:
When a bomb goes off in the middle of a herd of cows, there will be udder destruction.

Confucius:
Best way to cure water on the brain is with a tap on the head.

Confucius:
A drunk who works at an upholstery shop is a recovering alcoholic

Confucius:
Man who finds job at crystal ball company will make a fortune.

Confucius:
A butler with no teeth is called an in-dentured servant.

Confucius:
Man who want to catch a bra, should set a boobie trap.

Confucius:
Misfortune is the kind of fortune that never misses.

Confucius:
If you look in fortune cookie, you are a pathetic fool who seeks advice from bakery products.

Confucius:
Virgin like balloon…one prick, all gone.

Confucius:
A tight dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view.

Confucius:
Criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.

Confucius:
Forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as gratifying.

Confucius:
You know you are a geek when you look at a movie trailer and think, “I have that font.”

Confucius:
Birds of a feather flock together…then crap on your car.

Confucius:
Men are like spray paint. One squeeze and they’re all over you.

Confucius:
Couple who cross LSD with birth control pills, get a trip without the kids.

Confucius:
To circumcise a whale, send down four skin divers.

Confucius:
An award winning dentist will be given a little plaque

Confucius:
The opening in the front of your boxer shorts is called the “Circumvent”.

Confucius:
A bachelor is man who never makes the same mistake once.

Confucius:
Never tell a secret to a pig, it may squeal.

Confucius:
Man who give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach will “Abdicate”.

Confucius:
Man who is impotent will have Willy-nilly.

Confucius:
Woman who absentmindedly answer the door in her nightie is “Negligent”

Confucius:
When wife complain too much about no magic in marriage, husband will disappear.

Confucius:
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they’ll know as little as their parents.

Confucius:
Gay man in Chinese restaurant will order “sum yung guy”.

Confucius:
The difference between pink and purple is your grip.

Confucius:
The worst thing a wife can get on her twenty fifth wedding anniversary is morning sickness.

Confucius:
Rudolph was grounded after his dad saw his report card because he went down in history.

Confucius:
Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a rise.

Confucius:
A kiss on the lips is just shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise.

Confucius:
Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.

Confucius:
12 months of drinking low-calorie beer is 1 Lite year.

Confucius:
Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter is Eskimo Pi

Confucius:
Police will arrest a transvestite and charge him with male fraud.

Confucius:
Marriage is like taking a bath… after you’ve been in it for a while, it isn’t so hot.

Confucius:
Learn to masturbate, come in handy.

Confucius:
People are like teabags – you don’t know how strong they are until you put them in hot water.

Confucius:
Pedophiles love Halloween because of “Free home delivery”.

Confucius:
One who lacks the courage to start has already finished.

Confucius:
The heaviest thing to carry is a grudge.

Confucius:
If you want your dreams to come true, don’t oversleep.

Confucius:
Of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important.

Confucius:
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.

Confucius:
Action may not always bring happiness; but there is not happiness without action.”

Confucius:
Man in shower playing with tool not necessarily a plumber.

Confucius:
Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.

Confucius:
Those who Say they sleep like a baby haven’t got one.

Confucius:
The white powder found on your penis after a blind date is called Handthrax

Confucius:
The best way to get a woman to argue with you, is to say something.

Confucius:
It’s not what you wear, it’s how you take it off.

Confucius:
Taliban’s national bird is “duck”

Confucius:
Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone, both look out window and see Rubble

Confucius:
An impotent loser is one who can’t even get his hopes up.

Confucius:
Man who look to stale cookie for advice probably make good busboy.

Confucius:
Your strength lies in your continued belief that what you just ate was indeed duck.

Confucius:
Today’s dog in alley is tomorrow’s moo goo gai pan.

Confucius:
Gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy much alike. Both can smell it, but they can’t eat it.

Confucius:
Food that goes rotten while being transported to the store is “un-pallet-able”.

Confucius:
It’s not how deep you fish, it’s how you wiggle your worm.

Confucius:
Dry cleaner who is in a hurry for a date, will be pressed for time.

Confucius:
When Indian Chief Shortcake died, squaw bury Shortcake

Confucius:
Man who checks out woman’s package, dosen’t always work for UPS.

Confucius:
Mummys who take vacation, will relax and unwind.

Confucius:
Dalmatians can’t play hide and seek, because they are always spotted.

Confucius:
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Confucius:
He who hesitates is probably right.

Confucius:
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it’s open.

Confucius:
The toilet of the Star Ship Enterprise contains ‘the captains log’.

Confucius:
The biggest room you have, is the room for improvement.

Confucius:
Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.

Confucius:
An ‘Areoplane Blonde’ is one who has bleached her hair but still has a ‘black box’.

Confucius:
One cow spying on another cow is called a steak out.

Confucius:
A butler with no teeth is an in-dentured servant.

Confucius:
Part-time bandleaders should be called ‘semi-conductors’.

Confucius:
The fear of death keeps us from living, not from dying.

Confucius:
Tears are the hydraulic force by which masculine will power is defeated by feminine water power.

Confucius:
Heat must travel faster than cold because it is easy to catch a cold.

Confucius:
If men had breasts, they would wear off the pockets of their shirts.

Confucius:
Deaf people have phone sex by fax.

Confucius:
A smart ass is someone who can sit on an ice cream cone and tell you what flavor it is

Confucius:
It is much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius:
Man who pamper his cow, will get spoiled milk

Confucius:
Never cut the rope that can be simply untied.

Confucius:
If you do not wish to get to the point, never play leap frog with a unicorn.

Confucius:
The difference between roast beef and pea soup is that anyone can roast beef.

Confucius:
A fool and his money are soon partners.

Confucius:
All’s fear in love and war.

Confucius:
Sex is like a Ford Explorer. Going too fast may cause a roll-over injury

Confucius:
Ulcers aren’t the result of what you eat. You get ulcers from what’s eating you.

Confucius:
Adults are just wrinkled kids who owe money.

Confucius:
Newscaster who reports hurricanes, knows how to talk up a storm.

Confucius:
Man who was a dude before marriage, is now subdued.

Confucius:
When you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

Confucius:
A joke is like sex. Neither is any good if you don’t get it.

Confucius:
Woman who fall in love with elevator operator, usually get the shaft.

Confucius:
The only animal with an asshole in the middle of its back is a police horse.

Confucius:
An optimist is a man who hasn’t had many experiences yet.

Confucius:
The tongue must be heavy indeed, because so few people can hold it.

Confucius:
To ignore the facts, does not change the facts.

Confucius:
Woman who dates gambler, gets cheated on.

Confucius:
Girl who go on fishing trip with six men, come back with red snapper.

Confucius Say
A woman will be “Queen of the sewers”, if she has accessible manhole.

Confucius Say
If a soda can goes to college, it will take “fizz ed”.

Confucius Say
Prisoner who paints in jail, will have brush with the law.

Confucius Say
Men are like fish… neither would get in trouble if they kept their mouths shut.

Confucius Say
Geometry teacher who loses parrot, will have polygon.

Confucius Say
Woman who dates trash collector, will get dumped.

Confucius Say
Company who make women’s vibrators is called, Genital Electric.

Confucius Say
Sperm sample from Nobel Prize winner is called, ‘Stroke of Genius’.

Confucius Say
If all women’s lib activists were laid end to end, it would be the best thing for them.

Confucius Say
Independent porno movie producers should form new company called, 20th Century-Fux

Confucius Say
Nurse who goes missing at beach, can be found under the doc.

Confucius Say
Man who try doggie style sex, won’t want to face his wife again.

Confucius Say
Student who study history, will find there is no future in it.

Confucius Say
Man who work all day for a pool maintenance company, will feel drained.

Confucius Say
Epileptic lettuce farmer makes seizure salad.

Confucius Say
If the washroom upstairs is occupied, there is a hypotenuse.

Confucius Say
The only one whose troubles are behind him, is a school bus driver.

Confucius Say
Just because men have one, doesn’t mean they have to be one.

Confucius Say
The supermarket is where you spend 30 minutes hunting for instant coffee.

Confucius Say
Alarm clock is something that makes people rise and whine.

Confucius Say
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Confucius Say
Argument between pharmacist and a patient is called a pill owe fight

Confucius Say
Since a lawyer joined our nudist colony, he hasn’t had a suit.

Confucius Say
Many arguments have two sides, but no end.

Confucius Say
The best defense against rape, is to beat off the attacker.

Confucius Say
Life is like an onion; you peel off one layer at a time and sometimes you weep.

Confucius Say
Cinderella would be bad at football. Her coach was a pumpkin.

Confucius Say
When TV repairman got married, the reception was excellent.

Confucius Say
The palest ink is better than the best memory.

Confucius Say
Miners with illuminated helmets, will feel lightheaded.

Confucius Say
A man can keep his youth by giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Confucius Say
The best way to slow a runaway horse, is to bet on it.

Confucius Say
Getting sick at the airport could be a terminal illness.

Confucius Say
Blondes have more fun because they are easier to amuse.

Confucius Say
Undertakers are nice. They’re the last to let people down.

Confucius Say
Self-centered trumpet player likes to toot his own horn.

Confucius Say
Jokes become a father when the punch line becomes apparent.

Confucius Say
A person will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

Confucius Say
Best way to make wife’s panties wet every day is to do the laundry.

Confucius Say
Balloon factory will go out of business if it can’t keep up with inflation.

Confucius Say
There is no future in writing a history book

Confucius Say
The difference between a lawyer and a chicken is, the chicken clucks defiant.

Confucius Say
Men in a singles bar have one thing in common…they’re all married.

Confucius Say
Migration is the headache birds get when they fly South for the winter.

Confucius Say
Lady who goes down first time out, is called “Titanic”

Confucius Say
Deaf people have phone sex by fax.

Confucius Say
Whoever gossips to you, will gossip about you.

Confucius Say
I ask wife for “light lunch”. She serve fireflys.

Confucius Say
Crossing dinosaur with a pig, will make Jurassic Pork.

Confucius Say
An Austrailian Kiss is similar to French Kiss, but given down under.

Confucius Say
Man who mix poison ivy with four leaf clover, have rash of good luck.

Confucius Say
Prostitute with her hand in her panties is “self employed”.

Confucius Say
Do not argue with spouse who is packing your parachute.

Confucius Say
Some fisherman catch their fish by the tale.

Confucius Say
Whether or not sex is better than pot, depends on the pusher.

Confucius Say
A bachelor is a man who is footloose and fiancée-free.

Confucius Say
If you run into your ex on the street, just shift into reverse and keep going.

Confucius Say
Man who wants to kill a circus troupe, should go for the juggler

Confucius Say
If you want to watch the world pass you by, try driving the speed limit.

Confucius Say
An Impotent Loser is a man who can’t even get his hopes up.

Confucius Say
A handkerchief should be called “Cold storage”.

Confucius Say
Never tell a one legged hitch hiker to “hop in”.

Confucius Say
A bachelor is a man who comes to work from a different direction each morning.

Confucius Say
Woman who loses wedding ring in kitchen, should remove her drawers

Confucius Say
The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary

Confucius Say
Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your children.

Confucius Say
When your ship comes in, make sure you are willing to unload it.

Confucius Say
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

Confucius Say
When things go wrong, don’t go with them.

Confucius Say
A speech is like a bicycle wheel…the longer the spoke, the greater the tire.

Confucius Say
It is impossible to sling mud with clean hands.

Confucius Say
Always yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.

Confucius Say
Don’t let your affection give you an infection. Put some protection on that erection.

Confucius Say
Man who has nothing to say, should say nothing.

Confucius Say
In prison, best way to separate the men from the boys is with a crowbar

Confucius Say
A good life is like toilet paper… long and useful.

Confucius Say
Basic unit of laryngitis is 1 hoarsepower

Confucius Say
The perfect gift for man who has everything, is a burglar alarm.

Confucius Say
Christmas trees are like priests…Their balls are just for decoration.

Confucius Say
Half of a large intestine is equal to one semicolon

Confucius Say
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall…after a mediocre summer.

Confucius Say
It is better to give than receive…especially advice.

Confucius Say
Happiness is a way station between too little and too much.

Confucius Say
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Confucius Say
An optimist is a person who doesn’t understand the enormity of the problem.

Confucius Say
Van Gogh was a painter because he didn’t have an ear for music.

Confucius Say
Banker who sits in freezer, will have frozen assets.

Confucius Say
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

Confucius Say
A man may be a fool and not know it… but not if he is married.

Confucius Say
Woman who wear something from Victoria’s Secret, have no more secrets.

Confucius Say
A 400 pound lady who likes both men and women is a bisexual built for two.

Confucius Say
Husbands are like fires…they go out when left unattended.

Confucius Say
Character is like a fence…it cannot be strengthened by whitewash.

Confucius Say
A perfectionist is one who takes great pains and gives them to everyone else.

Confucius Say
Woman who gives away potato chips, will offer you a free Lay.

Confucius Say
It’s better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it.

Confucius Say
A virgin sleeping on a waterbed is called “cherry float.”

Confucius Say
Blowing into a blonde’s ear is called data transfer

Confucius Say
An egghead is what Mrs. Dumpty gives to Humpty.

Confucius Say
Man with head up ass, can’t see for shit.

Confucius Say
A transvestite is one who likes to eat, drink and be Mary

Confucius Say
A gay man with diarrhea is called juicy fruit.

Confucius Say
Eskimos go to Tupperware parties to find a tight seal.

Confucius Say
Show off is always shown up in showdown.

Confucius Say
He who makes love in grass, gets piece on earth.

Confucius Say
A woman is the only hunter who uses herself for bait.

Confucius Say
Keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

Confucius Say
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

Confucius Say
Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.

Confucius Say
The only thing shorter than a weekend is a vacation.

Confucius Say
Marriages are made in Heaven…So are thunder and lightning.

Confucius Say
Man who take lady on camping trip, have one intent.

Confucius Say
A wise man makes sure that his wife’s birthday cake is short one candle.

Confucius Say
Jamaiccan proctologist is called Pok-e-mon

Confucius Say
An egotist is a person more interested in himself, than in me.

Confucius Say
Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Confucius Say
If man doesn’t try different sex with one women, he shall try one sex with different women.

Confucius Say
Real estate people are a vacant lot.

Confucius Say
Patience is a naked woman lying down with her legs apart under a banana tree.

Confucius Say
Man with hand in pocket is all ways on the ball.

Confucius Say
Man with poor vision can date anyone.

Confucius Say
Man who put head it fruit drink, get punch in nose.

Confucius Say
Man who put cream in tart is not necessarily baker.

Confucius Say
An enemy is sometimes nothing more than a friend who got wise to you.

Confucius Say
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Confucius Say
He who thinks only of number one, must remember it is next to nothing.

Confucius Say
Two wrongs may not make a right; but two Wrights made an airplane. Confucious Say… Women are like Lawn Mowers…If you’re not pushing one around, then you’re riding it.

Confucius Say
Nail on board is not good as screw on bench.

Confucius Say
Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

Confucius Say
Hole happy, whole body happy.

Confucius Say
Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be.

Confucius Say
When Einstein stared at his cousin’s boobs, he discovered ‘Theory of Relative Titty’.

Confucius Say
Misfortune is the kind of fortune that never misses.

Confucius Say
Husband who sleep on couch last night, have hard time today.

Confucius Say
Dirty hands make your nose itch.

Confucius Say
Men are like cement…after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

Confucius Say
Knowledge was never known to enter the head via an open mouth.

Confucius Say
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Confucius Say
Honor your personality flaws, for without them you would have no personality at all.

Confucius Say
Forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit…but not nearly as gratifying.

Confucius Say
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law’s face on the back of a milk carton.

Confucius Say
Man who keeps nose to the grindstone, have sharp boogers.

Confucius Say
Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Confucius Say
Forgetful cow gives Milk of Amnesia.

Confucius Say
A wok is what you throw at a wabbit.

Confucius Say
If you girlfriend starts smoking, slow down and use a lubricant.

Confucius Say
Winnie The Pooh will get angry if you stick your finger in his honey.

Confucius Say
A man who cries while he masturbates is a real tearjerker.

Confucius Say
The only way you can you get AIDS from a toilet seat is by sitting down before the last guy gets up.

Confucius Say
Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy… but a social loser.

Confucius Say
“Vegetarian” is an Indian word meaning, “lousy hunter”.

Confucius Say
Every Amish woman’s private fantasy is two Mennonite.

Confucius Say
If you can’t be content with what you have received, be thankful for what you have escaped.

Confucius Say
A wise man buys his wife fine china, so she won’t trust him to wash it.

Confucius Say
Religeous woman with hole in pocket, feel holy all day.

Confucius Say
Man who snatches kisses when young, kisses snatches when old.

Confucius Say
Constipated people don’t give a crap.

Confucius Say
Man who throw a cat out car window, makes kitty litter.

Confucius Say
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.

Confucius Say
Asking a stupid question is better than repairing a stupid mistake.

Confucius Say
Man with hard problem usually give it to woman.

Confucius Say
Wise man buy prunes…get good run for money

Confucius Say
Man who comes into money, have sticky financial situation.

Confucius Say
A rental car is the only true all-terrain vehicle.

Confucius Say
A lawyer is someone who writes an eighty-page document and calls it a brief.

Confucius Say
Woman like dollar bill; hard to pickup, but worth effort.

Confucius Say
Question authority and the authorities will question you.

Confucius Say
If you open the door to a lesser evil, a greater one will slink in after it.

Confucius Say
The greatest of all faults, is to be aware of none.

Confucius Say
No time for your health today; no health for your time tomorrow.

Confucius Say
Karaoke is a Chinese word meaning “tone deaf”.

Confucius Say
Oral sex makes one’s day, but anal sex makes one’s hole weak.

Confucius Say
If someone calls you fat, don’t get angry… just turn the other chin.

Confucius Say
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.

Confucius Say
If you continue to live in the past, your life is history.

Confucius Say
Man who says he knows how to control a wife is called a bachelor.

Confucius Say
It’s OK for schoolboy to masturbate, as long as it’s not against his principal.

Confucius Say
The very first doctor of dermatology had to start from scratch.

Confucius Say
When you see the handwriting on the wall, you’re in a public restroom.

Confucius Say
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

Confucius Say
New wives are like computers…they go down unexpectedly.

Confucius Say
Best time to buy new mattress, at first sign of spring.

Confucius Say
He who sneeze without tissue, take matter in own hands.

Confucius Say
Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.

Confucius Say
People having gift of gab, not know how to wrap it up.

Confucius Say
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

Confucius Say
First breath of love is the last breath of wisdom.

Confucius Say
The definition of a true genius is a nudist with a memory for faces.

Confucius Say
Just one letter makes all the difference between here and there.

Confucius Say
Man who kisses girl’s behind, get a crack in the face.

Confucius Say
Mother Nature’s best aphrodisiac is still a naked woman.

Confucius Say
There is one thing that all smart asses have in common… “Wise Cracks”

Confucius Say
Some people are like blisters. They don’t show up until the work is done.

Confucius Say
“Tact” is the unsaid part of what you’re thinking.

Confucius Say
Dog may be man’s best friend, but pussy not far behind.

Confucius Say
Man who fall into an upholstery machine, eventually be fully recovered.

Confucius Say
People who say they never fart are full of hot air.

Confucius:
Happiness is not a destination, but a manner of traveling.

Confucius:
Putting teenager in prison, won’t stop his face from breaking out.

Confucius:
Love everybody…not every body.

Confucius:
If wise man marry, he become otherwise.

Confucius:
The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.

Confucius:

Don’t confuse an open mind with one that’s vacant.

Confucius:
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.

Confucius:
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

Confucius:
Live each day as if it were your last, because someday it will be.

Confucius:
It’s okay to look back at the past….just don’t stare at it.

Confucius:
If you don’t want anyone to get your goat, don’t let them know where you have it tied.

Confucius:
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

Confucius:
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.

Confucius:
Beauty is only a light switch away.

Confucius:
He who sleep on bed of nails, is indeed a holy man.

Confucius:
Man who has money to burn, makes an ash of himself.

Confucius:
Man have more hair on chest than woman, but on the whole woman have more.

Confucius:
Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.

Confucius:
Man who sucks nipples, make clean breast of things.

Confucius:
Girl who slides down bannister, makes monkey shine.

Confucius:
A streaker is someone who is unsuited for his work.

Confucius:
He who refuses to listen is lying.

Confucius:
Man who dates dynamite lady, gets big bang out of her.

Confucius:
He who seeks revenge should remember to dig two graves.

Confucius:
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

Confucius:
Never have sex with a stranger unless you are stranger than them.

Confucius:
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

Confucius:
Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.

Confucius:
If you want a committed man, look in mental hospital.

Confucius:
He who eats crackers in bed, get crummy sleep.

Confucius:
Woman who wears padded bra, makes mountains out of molehills.

Confucius:
Man who pulls on woman’s bra-strap, may get bust in mouth.

Confucius:
To make egg roll, push it.

Confucius:
Chemist who fall in acid, get absorbed in work.

Confucius:
Girl’s best asset is her `lie’ ability.

Confucius:
He who eats ice cream in car, is a Sundae Driver

Confucius:
He who stick head in open window, gets pane in neck.

Confucius:
Virgin with thimble on finger, never feel prick.

Confucius:
Woman who dance while wearing a jockstrap have make believe ballroom.

Confucius:
Sailor who gets discharged from navy, leave buddies behind.

Confucius:
Man who make love to cash register, come into money.

Confucius:
Man who fondle girl having period, get caught red handed.

Confucius:
Man who drop watch in toilet, bound to have crappy time.

Confucius:
Woman who springs on inner spring this spring gets offspring next spring.

Confucius:
Sex on beach is like American beer…very close to water.

Confucius:
Man who masturbates is only screwing himself.

Confucius:
Man who do business in whore house, get jerked around

Confucius:
House without toilet is uncanny.

Confucius:
‘Tis better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Confucius:
Butcher who back into meat-grinder, get a little behind in his orders.

Confucius:
He who light the fuse of love, get big bang.

Confucius:
‘Tis better to have loved a short woman than to have never loved a tall

Confucius:
Woman who cooks beans and peas in same pot, very unsanitary.

Confucius:
Wash your face in the morning, neck at night.

Confucius:
Woman who marry detective must kiss dick.

Confucius:
Woman who is wallflower at party, dandelion in bed.

Confucius:
Man who sink into woman’s arms soon have arms in woman’s sink

Confucius:
Men are like Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Confucius:
It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

Confucius:
Man who shoot off mouth, must expect to lose face.

Confucius:
Woman who goes to man’s apartment for snack, gets titbit.

Confucius:
Man who lay woman on ground, get peace on earth.

Confucius:
Man who gets kicked in testicles, left holding the bag.

Confucius:
He who crosses the ocean twice without bathing is a dirty double crosser.

Confucius:
Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Confucius:
Secretary becomes permanent fixture when screwed on desk.

Confucius:
Woman who puts detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy.

Confucius:
Man who eats photograph of his Dad is soon spitting image of his father.

Confucius:
Man who pushes piano down mineshaft get A flat miner.

Confucius:
Man who jumps through screen door likely to strain himself.

Confucius:
A woman is like jazz music. 3/4 jazz time and 1/4 rag time.

Confucius:
Cows without legs are ground beef

Confucius:
He who eats crackers in bed get crummy sleep.

Confucius:
Woman who is in love with priest will chase him through church and grab him by the organ.

Confucius:
Economy will go up and down when country is run by yo-yos

Confucius:
Basketball player who marry midget lady will be nuts over her.

Confucius:
Chinese couple who have white baby, name it “Sum Ting Wong.”

Confucius:
Woman who slide down bannister, get slivers by cracky.

Confucius:
Man who date flat chested woman, has a right to feel low.

Confucius:
He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end.

Confucius:
Man who let woman on top, will screw up.

Confucius:
Man who get hit by car,get that run down feeling.

Confucius:
Man with athletic finger, make broad jump.

Confucius:
Sumo wrestling is survival of the fattest.

Confucius:
Many men bite , but Fu Man Chu

Confucius:
Woman who fly airplane upside down have crack up.

Confucius:
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Confucius:
Passionate kiss like spider web. Will lead to undoing of fly.

Confucius:
He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Confucius:
Man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day long.

Confucius:
Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Confucius:
Girl who sits on Judge’s lap gets honorable discharge.

Confucius:
Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Confucius:
Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

Confucius:
Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

Confucius:
Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.

Confucius:
It takes many nails to build crib, but only one screw to fill it.

Confucius:
Man who live in glass house should change in basement.

Confucius:
Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Confucius:
Woman who wear G-string, high on crack.

Confucius:
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

Confucius:
If you park, don’t drink, accidents cause people.

Confucius:
Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.

 

Thanks you for Reading. I hope you enjoy! please comment for your thoughts.

 

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